Dear Internet

A fantastic extract from Bossypants by Tina Fey, in which she responds to various Internet commenters:

Dear Internet

One of my greatest regrets is that I don't always have time to answer the wonderful correspondence I receive. When people care enough to write, the only well-mannered thing to do is to return the gift, so please indulge me as I answer some fans here.

Posted by Sonya in Tx on 4/7/2010, 4:33 P.M.
“When is Tina going to do something about that hideous scar across her cheek??”

Dear Sonya in Tx,

Greetings, Texan friend! (I’m assuming the “Tx” in your screen name stands for Texas and not some rare chromosomal deficiency you have. Hope I’m right about that!)

First of all, my apologies for the delayed response. I was unaware you had written until I went on to watch some of their amazing footage of people in L.A. leaving restaurants and I stumbled upon your question.

I’m sure if you and I compare schedules we could find a time to get together and do something about this scar of mine. But the trickier question is What am I going to do? I would love to get your advice, actually. I’m assuming you’re a physician, because you seem really knowledgeable about how the human body works. What do you think I should do about this hideous scar? I guess I could wear a bag on my head, but do I go with linen like the Elephant Man or a simple brown paper like the Unknown Comic? Too many choices, help!

Thank you for your time. You are a credit to Texas and Viking women both.


P.S. Great use of double question marks, by the way. It makes you seem young.

Posted by Centaurious on Monday, 9/21/2009, 2:08 A.M.
“Tina Fey is an ugly, pear-shaped, bitchy, overrated troll.”

Dear Centaurious,

First let me say how inspiring it is that you have learned to use a computer.

I hate for our correspondence to be confrontational, but you have offended me deeply. To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair. I’ll leave it for others to say if I’m the best, but I am certainly one of the most dedicated trolls guarding bridges today. I always ask three questions, at least two of which are riddles.

As for “ugly, pear-shaped, and bitchy”? I prefer the terms “offbeat, business class–assed, and exhausted,” but I’ll take what I can get. There’s no such thing as bad press!

Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope.


Posted by jerkstore on Wednesday, 1/21/2009, 11:21 P.M.
“In my opinion Tina Fey completely ruined SNL. The only reason she’s celebrated is because she’s a woman and an outspoken liberal. She has not a single funny bone in her body.”

Dear jerkstore,

Huzzah for the Truth Teller! Women in this country have been over-celebrated for too long. Just last night there was a story on my local news about a “missing girl,” and they must have dedicated seven or eight minutes to “where she was last seen” and “how she might have been abducted by a close family friend,” and I thought, “What is this, the News for Chicks?” Then there was some story about Hillary Clinton flying to some country because she’s secretary of state. Why do we keep talking about these dumdums? We are a society that constantly celebrates no one but women and it must stop! I want to hear what the men of the world have been up to. What fun new guns have they invented? What are they raping these days? What’s Michael Bay’s next film going to be?

When I first set out to ruin SNL, I didn’t think anyone would notice, but I persevered because—like you trying to do a nine-piece jigsaw puzzle—it was a labor of love.

I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I feel safe with you, jerkstore, so I’ll say it. Everything you ever hated on SNL was by me, and anything you ever liked was by someone else who did it against my will.

Tina Fey

P.S. You know who does have a funny bone in her body? Your mom every night for a dollar

From a bodybuilding forum
Posted by SmarterChild, on 2/24/2008, 2:10 P.M.
“I’d stick it in her tail pipe.”

Dear SmarterChild,

Thank you so much for your interest. Whether you meant it in a sexual way or merely as an act of aggression, I am grateful. As a “woman of a certain age” in this business, I feel incredibly lucky to still be “catching your eye” “with my anus.” You keep me relevant!

Ms. T. Fey

Posted by Kevin 214 on 11/9/08 at 11:38 A.M.
“Tina Fey CHEATED!!!!!!. Anyone who has ever seen an old picture of her can see she has had 100% plastic surgery. Her whole face is different. She was ugly then and she is ugly now. She only wished she could ever be as beautiful as Sarah Palin.”

Dear Kevin 214,

What can I say? You have an amazing eye. I guess I got caught up in the whole Hollywood thing. I thought I could change 100 percent of my facial features and as long as I stayed ugly, no one would notice. How foolish I was.

So let’s wipe the slate clean. Full disclosure, here is a list of the procedures I’ve had done. Eye browning, nose lengthening, I get my teeth lightly henna-ed each month to give them their amber luster. I’ve had my lips thinned, and I’ve had a treatment called Grimmage where two fishing wires are run through my jawline and used to gather the skin until it looks like a fancy pillow.

I’ve had sebaceous implants (small balls of Restylane placed in random locations to give the appearance of youthful neck acne).

I don’t have Botox. Unfortunately I’m allergic. Instead I have monthly injections of Bromadialone, a farm-strength rat poison. This keeps my face in a constant state of irritation and paralysis, which of course is indistinguishable from sexual excitement. My face is longer and thinner than it was twenty years ago, and while some might say that is a natural effect of weight loss and aging, you and I know the truth - I pay a woman to sit on the side of my head twice a week. Madonna and Gwyneth go to her, and we’ve all had amazing results. Ugh, listen to me, I’ve really changed! Why do I feel the need to name-drop the fact that I'm friends with Madonna Vickerson and Gwyneth Chung?

Since you’re so savvy at spotting plastic surgery, I’m sure you’ve noticed some of my other famous friends who “have had work done.” Bishop Desmond Tutu...cheek implants. Supreme Court Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Major tit job. And SpongeBob Square Pants, gender reassignment.

Keep on helpin' me “keep it real,”